> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://www.annabelascher.com/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # The Life of an Elder Orphan - URL: https://www.annabelascher.com/the-life-of-an-elder-orphan/ - Published: 2026-09-26T18:03:30.000Z - Updated: 2026-09-27T15:14:09.000Z - Description: What if society also needs a certain number of free agents who are able to focus on something larger than themselves precisely because there are no ties of the human variety and no expectations? - Author: Annabel Ascher - Tags: Culture, Literature, Essays, Aging ### ***“and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?”\~Charles Bukowski*** Many of us have seen this as a meme on social media. My answer is always “both”. And I stand by that. But the other day I woke up before dawn as I sometimes do and my first thought was “I have nobody”. So I will put the first possibility suggested first. Loneliness. Later that day I read a story written by a cabbie about picking up an old woman and taking her to hospice. She is utterly alone. And I thought: this could be me in 20 or 25 years. Or even 10. I have no children. How that came to be is not important. The fact of it is. And even if I had children they might be gone, by death or estrangement. My family of origin has always been fractured. I have recently reunited with a sisters, long estranged. But she lives far from me and is not in the best of health. The sister I was closest to died some years ago. I have been married 3 times but none worked out. The first husband is the only one still living and we have not spoken in decades. The other two are long dead. I have a longtime long-distance quasi-boyfriend, but that is not the kind of partner I am thinking of here. And I have friends. Mostly living 1200-3000 miles away. There are people in my own community I like very much. But they are not close in the way I am thinking of. They will give me a ride if I need it or grab lunch now and then. So I am not without human contact. Just not the kind of intimacy that counts when old age descends and death draws nearer. I am not part of the talk of "the kids" or the beloved grandkids. I look at the photos, I congratulate on the glowing posts, and I offer genuine condolences if tragedy strikes. But live entirely outside of that experience. What of the other variable, freedom? This is at the heart of my lived experience, and is the balance for the lack of normal ties and expectations. There was a bit of buzz a couple of years ago for Betty Reid Soskin, the 103 year old woman who became a park ranger at 85 and retired at 100\. Leaving aside her extreme active lifestyle and her longevity, she is a poster child for the freedom side of the equation. And in thinking of her I shed some light on my own conundrum. When I was 59 I moved to Taos, where I knew nobody. I bought a local print magazine and ran it for 5 years, until the pandemic forced me to stop. When I was 67 I moved again, to Rochester. Where I knew nobody. I didn’t have to ask the permission of anyone to do this. I did not have to consider anyone else’s input. I alone will decide where to go, and when. In my own home I sleep when I want, eat what and when I want, move the furniture, and choose the art. I go out exactly as much as I choose, and when I talk to myself I say exactly what I mean. The only beings i answer to outside myself and perhaps the government, are two spoiled cats. One of the things Ms. Soskin touches on is the effect of that level of freedom on productivity and accomplishment. I have found the same correlation. At 70 I am not young. Health is the key to old age lived well, and mine is not yet known for sure, though it is relatively good so far. I will always have friends if not a partner or family. When I moved to Rochester I met people quickly enough and became part of the new community. But I don’t have the time left to make old friends. The deepest ties, the ones that both bind and create belonging, are forged earlier in life.And the family is the primal unit for humans, as intimate partnership is the cornerstone of the family. And yet, what hugs can also restrict. It changes what we can do, what we can say, even what we can think. What if society also needs a certain number of free agents who are able to focus on something larger than themselves precisely because there are no ties of the human variety and no expectations? I did not ask to be a member of that rare group. But some of us are draftees not volunteers. And since I can’t fix the loneliness I may as well lean into freedom. Maybe this will change. I could, even at my age, fall in love and live happily ever after. But if I do it will be an accident, not something I forced. And in the meantime, I want the (hopefully) 20 or 25 years i have left to be good ones, even if I am an outlier. There is still plenty that needs doing. If I need company I can always invite someone to lunch. ***This site is entirely reader supported, never a paywall. Please consider subscribing, free or paid. And if you can, consider a one time contribution by clicking here:*** [https://buymeacoffee.com/annabelascher](https://buymeacoffee.com/annabelascher?ref=annabelascher.com)